You know how it is. You wanna watch something but your attention spans in the toilet right now. A whole ass movie? Nah. You head on over to Amazon Prime and start scrolling. Before you know it your in that section populated entirely by documentaries about aliens and bigfoot that you've never heard of, for good reason. There's one about Roswell, and it's only 52 minutes! True turn-your-brain-off goofiness. But they're always shit, folks! "Roswell UFO Conspiracy: Unlocked" is a particularly egregious mauling of the 'documentary' form. It features none of the silly re-enactments of alien abductions, body retrievals or interviews that are typically the highlights of these things. Instead, you get snippets of the debunked alien autopsy film of the 1990s, with the bulk of the actual movie consisting of a boring old man waffling on endlessly about the film's changing position in the Roswell mythos and how he wasted fourteen years on it. Why he's taking revenge for his own mistakes on the late-night browsers of Amazon Prime's catalogue is never adequately explained, but you definitely feel punished by the end of it.
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